this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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