And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
