I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
