if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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