I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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