New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
time to smoke my breakfast
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
