I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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