And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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