My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
