Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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