Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
