Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
