hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
