We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize