I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
