I didn't shave. On purpose
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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