My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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