I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
