dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
