She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
