dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize