The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
