Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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