note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we're making bets on your personal life
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
