I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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