I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
