watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
