i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize