YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
