somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
