Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
