no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
