yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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