I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
