just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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