I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
