yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
