I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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