the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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