i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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