Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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