threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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