It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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