You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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