Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
