Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
how do you play pong handcuffed?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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