duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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