Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
