When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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