I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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