I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
