also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
