she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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