I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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