my room smells like sperm. sweet.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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