I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i love accidental penises.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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