I am midnight drunk by noon
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
