The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
They took my balls.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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