Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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