Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
