She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
