Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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