Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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