two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
