I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
