just survived the first fart of the relationship.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
